I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just tell him i said nine months
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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