Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
