What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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