getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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