He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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