even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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