I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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