sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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