life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
