ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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