last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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