who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
