Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
