I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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