my being single is dangerous.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
