Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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