Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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