I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude i'm inner monologue high
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
