I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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