Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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