what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
