I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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