I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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