she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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