Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
