So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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