i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
