in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
