I got chris browned last night
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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