i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
