He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I need water and some morals
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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