I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
