It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
