Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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