why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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