Dude my mom stole all your condoms
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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