I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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