dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
