i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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