When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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