One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
