When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
