Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
