John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
