It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
