theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
bring money and cleavage
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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