I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
my poor anus
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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