and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize