Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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