So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
