please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
