Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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