Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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