I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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