He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
