this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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