time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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