When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
