I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I supernannyed him into submission
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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