Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize