FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
