My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
