this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
