I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize