The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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