Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
